Badass
by DrawMeASheep
Summary: Cracky little one shot, post Deliverance. You can't be expected to maintain your badassery ALL the time, even if you do add a touch of anesthesia and Tiva.


Disclaimer: Fanfics do it without permission, for free.

Spoilers: _Deliverance_.

Summary: Crack fic, in which Tony discovers Ziva being a sissy.

* * *

Tony idly flipped through an old issue of _Entertainment Weekly_ as he waited for his name to be called. How was _Deep Six_ was still getting any media attention? Sure, it was just a mention in a review for some completely different book by some completely different author who may or may not have been writing under his real name and probably wasn't secretly a CID man, but…was it really such a compliment to have your work called 'the Army equivalent to last year's Gemcity bestseller'? Tony found himself wondering what N. Noah Mills would have to say about that particular bit of praise when a deep voiced summoned, "Mr. DiNozzo? We're ready for you."

He dropped his magazine on his chair as he stood. "That wasn't quite as long as you said it would be, Melinda."

"Yeah, well, you're still gonna have to wait to see the doctor." A doorknob disappeared in her meaty paw as she led him into the exam room. Lowering her voice and pointing toward the curtain that separated two dental chairs, she whispered huskily, "That friend you referred to us is a real piece of work."

"_I_ referred?"

"Yeah. She called and I told her we weren't accepting new patients but she said you gave her the number, so we accepted her. I'll never understand some of the things he does because someone is a fraternity brother."

"Hey, Stu and I go way back! I always had him on my team during pick-up games, even though he had no jump shot. Pretty good defender, so it wasn't such a bad thing, but…" he trailed off when he tore his attention away from the hands that would have been big on Shaq and saw Melinda's bored stare. "Right, well…who did I refer, exactly?"

"I'm not going to help you if you can't keep track of them, Mr. DiNozzo."

When he was sure she and her scary hands were gone, he muttered, "Guess that's one way not to be tempted to sleep with your secretary." He immediately felt guilty, as Stu Cuomo was the last guy Tony would expect to cheat on his wife. The thought of relationships reminded him that he possibly had a situation on his own proportional, attractive hands. After taking off his coat and draping it on the spare seat in the corner, he tiptoed toward the curtain and the high-pitched whine of a high-speed handpiece.

Stu and his assistant blocked Tony's view of the woman in the chair, but his curiosity was both satisfied and flabbergasted when Stu took his foot off the pedal and said, "Ms. David, if you need more anesthetic, you can let us know by raising your left hand, but it will really help me finish faster if you stop squirming."

Tony had to cover his mouth with his hand to stop himself from laughing when the reminder that one should never believe in coincidences came and Ziva answered in a small voice, "I am sorry, Dr. Cuomo, but the noise is making me nervous. Is there any way you can speed this up?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going as quickly as I can. If you're sure you don't need more anesthetic, I'd like to finish your crown prep."

Tony watched for the next few minutes as Ziva's feet twitched at about the same speed he estimated the drill was going. Adjusting his angle, he could see that she wasn't armed – or she didn't have her SIG clipped to her belt at the very least. Lucky Stu. Speaking of whom…he pulled his mask down as the drilling once again ceased. "Well, that's done. Why don't you sit up and rest for a few minutes, then Jane can take some impressions before I come back and set you up with your temp, okay?"

"Thank you, Doctor," she squeaked, tentatively rubbing the right side of her face as the chair came up.

When the assistant, Jane, left the room a moment later, Tony cooed, "Zeeeeeeeeeee-vah."

The eyes immediately fixed on him made him question the sanity of his actions. "Tony, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Hey, I could ask you the same thing." Forcing himself to remain calm even in the face of Ziva reaching for where he knew she kept her knife, he sauntered into the room and plopped into the chair Stu had vacated. "So, the super ninja whose hobbies include intimidating Marines and beating the crap out of gangbangers is scared of the dentist, huh?"

"I am _not_ scared. I have simply never done this before."

"This is the first time you've been to a dentist?"

"Of course not. I have my teeth cleaned every six months. I simply meant that I have never needed a procedure like this before."

"You've never had a cavity?"

"No."

"No gingivitis?"

"No."

"No root canals?"

"Tony! I am very conscientious about taking care of my teeth. Unfortunately, I broke one and now I need to have a…a crown made." Her cheek stuck out as she appeared to be feeling around with her tongue. "Although I fail to see why he needed to use the drill around the whole tooth when only the outside part was broken."

"Hey, Stu knows what he's doing. Open up and lemme see."

"Why do you want to look in my mouth?"

"Why'd you tell them I referred you?"

"I…my dentist is on vacation and you left the number on your desk, so I…"

"Lied."

"You would not have referred me?"

"No, I would have, but I didn't. That means you lied." He grabbed a soft mask from the box on the counter and looped it over his ears. "Now let's have a look at that tooth."

"Tony…" He was worried she couldn't see him smiling behind the mask until she finally added, "Wear gloves if you are planning to put your fingers in my mouth."

"I wasn't, but since you're offering…" He snapped on a pair of gloves and tried to lean the chair back, but only succeeded in raising its height. When he had her in the appropriate position, he leaned over. The lower tooth she'd just had work on was obvious, as it looked like the little sibling of the adjacent teeth, but he was more taken with the fact that she was going along with his time-killing fun. He stuck both index fingers in her mouth. "Well, that's interesting."

"Eh?"

"You didn't bite me the moment my fingers went in." Gentle but firm pressure was predictably applied to his fingers. "I should have figured you were a biter."

"Yowa dee."

"Is that Hebrew?"

"Oh-ee!"

"Sir, what _are_ you doing?"

Tony turned without removing his fingers to face the assistant, who had returned with her arms full of tubes and bowls and God knew what else. "Oh, hi. Um, the, heh…"

"You never did grow up, did you, DiNozzo?"

He grinned at Stu, who had pulled back the curtain the moment after the assistant had caught him with his hands in Ziva's mouth. "I suppose I could say this isn't what it looks like, but…"

"But I've known you too long for that," Stu finished for him. "Now get over here so I can drill and fill where you refuse to floss."

"The Listerine ad said…"

"What'd I tell you about that ad?"

Tony hung his head for a moment, but looked back at Ziva. "Yeah, and maybe she can watch me get my filling and see how a good patient behaves."

Ziva shot thankfully figurative daggers at him with her gaze. "No, thank you."

The assistant interjected, "She needs to have impressions taken."

"And I'll be back with you as soon as I finish with Tony, Ms. David."

As Tony waited for the local anesthesia to take effect a few moments later in the next room, Stu asked in a low voice, "How long have you two been, y'know?"

"Partners? About three years."

"And this is the first I'm hearing about it? Must be deep if you're calling it _that_. Well, congratulations, anyway."

Tony finally connected the look Stu was giving him to its meaning and quickly said, "Oh…no! Not like that! We just work together. I mean, we're friends and we hang out, but we're not…"

"That feel numb yet?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, it's fine."

Stu was surprisingly quiet throughout the short procedure, saying only a few words about the tragic season the Washington Wizards were having rather than his customary running monologue about college basketball. When he said, "All set. I think that should be fine," Tony got an odd feeling.

"Stu, is everything all right?"

"Yeah, man. I just…I thought we were friends. I get it if you and Ziva are trying to keep things out of the office, but you don't have to lie to me."

"Did she say something to you earlier?"

"No, but…I mean, you're in there playing dentist with her. You don't do that with people you just work with."

"Unless you're really a dentist."

"Yeah, but I'm not playing."

"Stu, we're not…we really aren't…"

Stu's demeanor suddenly shifted. "I'm sorry, man. It was just a vibe I was picking up, I guess. You, uh…hey, gimme a call this weekend if you want to see our Buckeyes at Maryland."

"Hey, yeah. That'd be great." Tony shook his friend's hand and left the room without poking his head around the curtain to say anything more to Ziva. Thinking better of just walking out, he took a seat in the waiting room and picked up the magazine he'd been reading earlier.

He was still stuck on N. Noah Mills when Ziva walked into the room. "Tony?"

"Oh, hey. I thought I'd hang around and see if you wanted to get some dinner or something. Celebrate the completion of your first big dental procedure."

"It is not complete yet. Apparently the permanent crown has to go to a lab to be made. And I am not supposed to eat until I regain some feeling in my lip."

"Oh. Right."

They walked silently out to the parking lot. Tony was about to concede a defeat he didn't quite understand when Ziva said, "Perhaps my lip would no longer be numb after a movie."

His hand froze on the handle of his car door. "Really?"

Twenty minutes later, they met at a small artsy place that Tony happened to know was showing a movie he thought Ziva might enjoy. As they sat in matching chairs across a table facing a small screen, he said, "I can't believe I finally have something to blackmail you with." He reached over to poke her lip, which he hoped was still numb. When all he got was a lopsided frown, he sing-songed, "You're afraid of the dentist! The big, bag super spy is afraid of the man with the teeny-tiny drill!"

"Do not think you will use this against me."

"Why not? Lots of people are afraid of the dentist. Of course, most of them probably couldn't kill with office products, but, hey – no one's perfect, I guess."

She crossed her arms tightly over her chest. "What is this movie we are seeing?"

"I think you'll like it. It's a musical with plenty of blood and gore. A classic, really. It's called _Little Shop of Horrors_."

"I think I have heard of it. Is there some sort of plant involved?"

"Yup." He grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it into his mouth. "Wah ya fink McGee's gonna say whenny fines ou' you…"

"You are not going to tell anyone about today."

"Buh…"

"Chew and swallow before you answer, but how is it that you are not still numb?"

"I don't know. Smaller thing?" He gave her another poke in the lip.

"Do that again and I will bite you."

"I didn't mind the little nibble you gave me at Stu's office."

"It will not be a little nibble, as you call it."

He took a deep breath and made his decision. "Okay. You can still be the ninja because I won't tell anyone about your secret shame."

"Thank you." She leaned back in her chair as she relaxed. "I do not like strangers close to my face with things that could be easily wielded as weapons, doing things I cannot see. This was not an experience I would like to relieve in the near future."

"So you're saying I shouldn't have picked a film that features an evil dentist?"

She turned to him, alarmed. "What?"

"Ssshhh," he hissed as the lights went down. "It's starting."


End file.
